


Worth It

by chemically_imbalanced_romance



Series: Selfish [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Background Ableism, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Familial Abuse, Gaslighting, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Sad Ending, being called selfish a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-19 02:22:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29992449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chemically_imbalanced_romance/pseuds/chemically_imbalanced_romance
Summary: Logan never gets what he wants.
Series: Selfish [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2213667
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25





	Worth It

**Author's Note:**

> This is a commission! You can thank @darkle-elkrad for me. You did donate $25 and I know you told me to keep the extra, but this was on the shorter side. You have a little over 3,200 words left if you want me to write you another fic. Just message me! Hope you like it.  
> Also, this fic is based off a poem darkle-elkrad wrote, so you can read that here: https://darkle-elkrad.tumblr.com/post/174572893477/worth-it.  
> Disclaimer: J. is NOT Janus, he’s an unsympathetic OC.

Logan had a way of making people angry. 

Maybe it was because he knew them so well, but he irritated his family the most. He had a talent for picking the thing that made them angriest the fastest, and somehow always managed to throw it in their face. 

He didn’t think he did it on purpose. One moment he was just… existing. Maybe talking about his day at school, hanging out with a friend, working on a puzzle. Then someone was angry. 

“You’re too loud,” his mom complained. 

“Do you ever stop talking?” His dad snapped. “No one else can get a word in.” 

“Can you sit still?” His older brother, J., shoved him playfully. “I can’t focus.” 

When he complained to J., he said, “Just stop making us mad. It’s not that hard. I don’t piss everyone off all the time.” 

Everyone insisted he was doing it on purpose. Maybe he was. He was angry a lot as a kid— maybe he was taking it out on them. 

It was probably his fault. 

One fight in particular stuck out in Logan’s memories. He was home alone with J., and they’d been arguing over what game to play. As much as Logan tried, he couldn’t remember specific details, even what the options were or why Logan didn’t decide to spend his time alone once they started arguing. 

But Logan pushed one too many buttons, and J… changed. 

His eyes were the first sign something was wrong. They narrowed, zeroing in on Logan like he was the only thing in the room. A seething glare took over his face for just a split second, then replaced with a wicked smile, something so  _ unhappy _ it made Logan cringe thinking about it. His shoulders tensed, he clapped his hands together, and said something along the lines of,  _ “Fine _ , let’s just do what  _ you _ want to do. Like always. Who cares, right? Not me.” 

Logan had wilted. Embarrassed heat tingled over his skin and his eyes watered. He didn’t think that was true, but when J. was so angry, he couldn’t think to refute it. His mind shut off. His words failed. 

He choked out a small, “I’m sorry,” and stumbled through a, “Let’s just do your thing,” then sunk back into his seat. He  _ thought  _ he had been sitting— he couldn’t remember. 

He didn’t want to remember. 

xxx 

Logan stared into the pantry with dead eyes. 

“We have spaghetti stuff,” he tried. 

It was their third night home alone, and Logan wasn’t sure how much longer he could take alone with J. 

  1. sighed hard enough to flip his bangs up for a moment and leaned against the wall next to the pantry. “We have spaghetti sauce?”



“Yeah.” 

“Then why don’t we just make pizza?” 

Logan hesitated. “I mean…” 

His stomach twisted. He remembered the edge to J’s voice, his eyes turning into hard slits. 

“We  _ can…”  _

Logan’s heart rate picked up, pulsing in his fingertips, and sweat pricked his skin. Phantom frustration stuck in his throat. 

He was usually so eloquent. It was his job to be good with his words. So why couldn’t he win a single argument? 

_ Is it worth it?  _

“That’s what you want?” He asked hesitantly. 

  1. raised an eyebrow. “Yeah. You make really good pizza.” 



Logan grabbed the spaghetti sauce and tub of flour. 

xxx 

Logan stared at his feet as he walked. 

It was a nice day. The breeze rustled through Logan’s hair like they did the bright leaves on the trees. Sunrays warmed his skin. It was a Friday, so kids were still in school and most others were at work. It would have been the perfect day for reading, if not for the fact that Logan finished his book yesterday. 

Logan would be in his AP History class right now, if not for J. stopping him at the door and begging Logan to skip with him. Logan had tried to convince him that he had a test that day, but J. was so upset, Logan decided it wasn’t as important. 

“Can we stop by the library?” He asked, pointing to the thick novel in his arm. 

  1. raised an eyebrow. “You seriously want to be inside? _Today?”_



“No, I just—”

  1. was already shaking his head. “No, we go to the library, you keep us trapped in there for hours. You know how long it takes you to even pick _out_ a book, let alone read it.” 



Logan swallowed. He stared ahead, at the park J. was taking them to. His stomach tied in knots. His palms were clammy against the hard cover. 

“Well what if I just ran there by myself, and met you back here?” 

  1. sighed and stopped in front of Logan. He was tall— his head blocked the sun, casting cold shadows over Logan’s face. J. stared, his nose wrinkled in annoyance. “You’re gonna leave me here alone? Really?” 



He shifted his weight from foot to foot. 

_ Is it worth it?  _

“Is it really a big deal?” He asked quietly. “Just for a few minutes?” 

“Whatever, Logan.” J. started towards one of the pavilions, eyes ahead. 

Logan hesitated. 

He hurried to follow. 

xxx 

A few weeks passed without an argument. Logan may have become a bit of a pushover, but that wasn’t too bad. He could deal with it. 

He didn’t want to be selfish. He didn’t want to be a bad person. And if everyone in his family was saying the same thing, he should listen. 

Their parents were out of town again. Logan curled up in the armchair as J. sprawled out on the couch, flicking through their movies. 

“What d’you wanna watch?” J. flipped his dark bangs back to look at Logan. 

Logan’s eyes widened. He straightened up. “Um— I don’t know, maybe… How about Big Hero 6?” 

  1. rolled his eyes and scoffed. “Figures. I’m sick of that one, pick something else.” 



He hesitated. “Oh— alright.” 

His heart raced. He tried to think of another movie, but his brain sputtered and each second his brother stared at him, Logan’s panic increased. His panic made thinking all the harder, so he panicked more, and round and round it went. 

  1. blinked slowly, and Logan’s heart dropped— _his eyes had narrowed, hardened with anger—_



Logan shook his head. 

“I’m sorry, I…” He cleared his throat. “Uh, what do you want to watch?” 

  1. turned back to the T.V. and pointed the remote. “How about Peter Pan?” 



Logan took in a shaky breath and pursed his lips. “Didn’t we watch that recently?” He tried. 

“So?” 

Logan pushed his sweaty palms against his jeans. “Can we— Can we watch something else?” 

He flinched as J. sighed dramatically. “Like, what? Big Hero 6?” 

Logan stared incredulously. “I mean,  _ obviously _ that’s what I wanted to watch, but—” 

“And I already said I didn’t want to! If you want to watch it so bad, watch it alone.” 

_ “J. _ , that’s not what I meant.” 

  1. sat up and tossed the remote to the side. His eyes narrowed. “Then what did you mean?” 



“I…” What  _ did  _ he mean? He fiddled with the hem of his shirt. “I just— I meant, can we pick something else?” 

_ “Why?  _ So you can get what you want again?” 

_ “No,  _ I…”

“We  _ never _ do what I want. Name one time this week we did what I wanted. You’re so selfish.” 

Logan’s eyes watered. He cleared his throat and nodded. “You’re right. You— um, how about you choose?” 

  1. nodded and grabbed the remote. 



Logan brought his knees to his chest, wrapping a blanket tight around his shoulders. He thought back over the week, and for half the movie, he  _ couldn’t _ think of a time J. got what he wanted. There weren’t any arguments. Everything was fine. 

Close to the end, he remembered— something about breakfast —but saying it would be… trivial. 

Starting the fight back up just wasn’t worth it. 

xxx 

Months passed. Logan avoided his family most of the time, only going out with his brother if he had to. He was trying to work on his selfish habits, but it was hard. He never seemed to realize until it was too late. 

Around the middle of his senior year, he fumbled with his book and keys— he was running late. He hurried out of his room and nearly made it out of the house before J. called to him. 

“Logan! Where are you going?” 

Logan hesitated, then tapped the cover of his book. “She’s doing a signing at that cafe near here. She’s only gonna be there for another hour, though, I gotta go get in line.” 

He started out the door, but J. grabbed his arm. He laughed. “Let me come with you. We can go to the lake after.” 

“I… Okay, sure,” he said reluctantly. 

He climbed into the car with J. in the driver’s seat, trying not to fidget. His family had complained many times that he was too restless. He frowned as trees whizzed past. 

“J—” Logan swallowed, “J., you missed the turn.” 

“We’ll just go after.” 

Logan’s eyes widened. “What? No, I’ll miss it.” 

  1. gave him a look, and Logan suppressed a flinch. “Come on, she’ll come back around. We haven’t hung out in months. Why won’t you just come with me?” 



“J.!” Logan gripped the door handle, his heart pounding as he looked at the car window.  _ “Please _ , we can go after. Come on, turn around!” 

“What, you gonna jump out?” He laughed. “What’s going on with you? You’ve been so selfish, why can’t we just hang out?” 

“I’m not being selfish!” 

J.’s gaze flicked to Logan’s. 

His eyes hardened. 

Logan’s palms sweat. 

  1. gripped the steering wheel. 



Logan’s mouth went dry. 

“Really?” J. asked flatly. “You’re not? What, then, would I get out of going with you?” 

“It would just be a minute,” Logan tried weakly. “And we’ll be at the lake for hours. Can’t we just—”

“So hanging out with me is a waste of time?” 

Logan held back a sigh. “That’s not what I said. I just mean that—” 

“Fine.” J. shook his head with a dry laugh. “Let’s go to the cafe. Whatever. I don’t care.” 

Logan looked at the clock.  _ 3.38.  _ Twenty two minutes left. Ten to get there. Who knows how long the line is? If they waited only to be turned away, how mad would J. be? 

Was it worth it? 

“Let’s just go to the lake,” Logan whispered, and J.’s eyes softened. “You’re right. She’ll come back. We haven’t hung out in too long.” 

Logan tipped his head back. He was sick of fighting. 

He wasn’t worth it. 

**Author's Note:**

> there might... be a sequel :)


End file.
